Contd....Why??

http://doyouthinkyouareliving.blogspot.com/2011/11/to-youth-after-pain-thought-of-hope.html?spref=fb

If you read the above link then I answer my question????

Why?

For last two weeks, I am in immense pains. The climate is worsening and I felt for the first time in all these 9 years, what is the feeling to be immobilised. I realised why does the arthritis patient restricts his/her social obligations as he is not able to invest physically into them. This is what I am doing. I know lot of complaints since morning on my FB, cell phone and emails after my last night’s post. But I am being honest. I am apologetic, if I have demoralised all those who read my blog as a source of inspiration but I just vent out, what I am going through. I am thankful to all those who are encouraging me and at the same time, I respect your complaints that I am not answering emails or revert to calls. I am not indulging into message exchanges and whatever.....lot of complaints for me to handle. I was never like that but I need some time to cope to new intensity of my medical condition.

Scared and curious you walk up to your doctor who is treating you for last 6 years. There is a respect and faith that you share towards him. I feel he can do miracles for me, I feel so!

He starts –

“You may be psychosomatic. You are thinking too much and maybe you should meet a counsellor who counsels you to tackle your pain. You need to engage your mind. If you are not able to sleep due to pains, then I cannot help you or do anything for you. See me after 6 months and have a pain killer that can help you for some time. Your mom-in-law called and she was really worried for you. I think and I feel you are perfect like anyone and you just need to not to think. I agree your X-rays are showing changes that are expected at this level of problem’.

What I feel or felt after listening to above –

‘Someone else mother-in-law called and he was confused so took that on me. I clarified my MIL does not know that who is handling my case. I could read that he has no solution for my medical condition and so he is asking me to engage my mind. I am already engaged with so many activities but my question was not this. My pains will be with me. They are the most committed relation of my life. He wants me to wait and see when I land up to next level. I need a counsellor if my pains are new to me but I am suffering for last 9 years. All I wanted to find a solution so that I can sleep. I am going through sleepless nights. In short, he also has no cure for me’.

I have understood one thing that slowly my condition is changing and I know what I am heading too. I have learned that year by year I will perish(:. What he said my x-rays are showing, I could already feel before meeting him. I have cried so much for last one week that even it does not help. So I just collect my moments from now.

Maybe I deserve this but I am also able to understand that I might have long life (quantity of life) but the quality of life left with me is very, very less. I have learned but I have to accept. Last year, I accepted went through the same cycle of depression and then started again. I am back to the same cycle again. I am coping and I am sure have to be out of it. But I am not visiting any doctor now. I will just concentrate on one thing – few moments of ‘quality’ of life left with me. I will just write for those moments now!

My friend Ajitabh came to meet me and he got me flowers. Ajitabh – I never said, I do not like roses. I love them as just flowers but I do not like the thought of quoting them as flowers for love. But I appreciate your roses for me and your time. I know I was not a great host but give me time. Thanks to all my Fb friends and everyone.

Thanks to my husband for listening to me throughout these 15 daysJ

I just pray and wish if God can listen to me – spare everyone who has these joint pains. Mercy God!

I am sorry if I disappointed my readers. I expect empathy not sympathy from all those who read me.